Free to Breathe

Dear God, I feel the need to get this off my chest
then maybe I'll have the ability to rest
I confess, things are a mess
nothing else matters without your crest
of approval; this removal of what's deep is starting to press
it's the root of the thorn that I need to address
yet you love me no less, but I don't "feel" blessed
but hear my desire to make progress
it's a painful process & I won't make it unless
you come & get me; pls equip me to handle this test
my life is a funeral; I should be alive less & less
the irony is I long to live for you, but I'm breathing to death

Questions

how can I ask you for something you never had in the first place?
how can I hold you hostage when we both need God's grace?
how can I say that you need Christ in your life
when my life doesn't reflect being the bride of Christ?
how can I tell you to let it go when I continue to hold tight?
how can I tell you to speak peace when my thoughts are in a fight?
how can I tell you about God but I continue to deny Him?
how can I tell you about what He's done if I've never tried Him?
how can I pray "in faith," but live "in doubt?"
how can I show the love of Christ if my heart never opens its mouth?

Afraid (of the deep)

I know you walked on water, but I don't know if I can
my confidence is about as sure as standing in sand
but you stretched out your hand & bid me to come
are you sure? did you see where I came from?
im not really feeling this; you can say I'm numb
but your will be done cuz my will be dumb
I gotta keep my eyes on you so I won't sink
you are my living aqua; I need more to drink
I am afraid of the deep
this mountain is steep
but you called me to make this leap
do surgery on me God; start with my feet

Bondage

Who would've known that you can be in bondage searching for freedom
My "intelligence" made my definition of free dumb
See I was a slave to sin; a slave to the temporary pleasure
Because I thought "free will" meant I can "do me" without measure
But the reality is, freedom comes at a price you can't afford
My debt was stacking up until I gave it to the Lord
I said, "Now God, look... I know that you have warned
but if you don't get me, I'll forever be in this storm
This thing keeps pricking me! Why was this formed?!"
He said, "Humility is the purpose of this thorn."
Don't think for a second that God doesn't know you...
If you don't believe me, check Jeremiah, it'll show you...

Aftermath

"Mom" said, "You think you know my business, but you don't know my story."
If they only recognized the process behind the glory
Bruises and scars are the evidence of the fight
but I'm still standing firm with all my might
You saw me going through; now watch me come out
You may have heard my tears; but now hear my shout
I received a name change; you can call me Victory
No longer in that past season, previously known as misery
I'm in the "aftermath" of the storm
I walk in the freedom of my God; therefore, I sound the alarm
So understand, misery can't keep company with me
Instead of Pity, I decided to invite Praise to the party

Graveyard Shift

Question: would you give medicine to the man already well?
Because that's what's going on; this is how I can tell
The church has become repetitious, but doesn't it look suspicious
That we aren't reaching the lost and showing them spiritual nutrition?
We are called to a dying world, but we stay in the living
Are people being blessed by what you are giving?
I don't mean a gift of monetary means
I'm talking giving of yourself as a representative of the King
God asked, "can these dry bones live?" but who is in the graveyard?
Time for selflessness because this selfishness is making our hearts hard
On fire for Christ when around other flames
But when around darkness, we forget His name
The great commission is to make disciples of the nations
Corner after corner sit churches; many there for decoration
The same salvation that redeemed us can give life to these bones
The same God keeping you, can help others hold on
We have the breath that will keep people from simply being in a state of existence
But many are scared as if its a crime to testify as a witness

Terminal

the fact is, by nature we're drawn to the dark
jeremiah 17:9 tells the truth about the heart
we don't want God, just His stuff
We're never satisfied; we'll never have enough
from the moment of birth we started dying
we can't be God but since Genesis 3 we've been trying
our sinful nature is the separating factor
but thanks be to God that Jesus plowed the ground like a tractor
and though sin seeks to destroy
everyday I'm pressing toward the one who is my cure and my joy

"L.A.B. Test: Life After Benediction"

I can shout all day; tell you I'm a Christian
but what good is it if the wrong ingredients are found in my kitchen?
I can go to church & be as "saved" as can be
but it means nothing if the CHURCH can't be found in me
I should be a walking building; a walking display of Christ
but if my lifestyle doesn't reflect, I'm just a lamp without a light
I recognize that everyday my integrity is on the line
Crystal didn't die for the sins of the world, so there's no need for ME to shine
but instead, when the "lab test" comes; I willingly allow the lab work
because I refuse to allow people/things to be my reason I get left on this earth

The Battle For My "Yes"

The purpose of this cross I carry isn’t for me to live

But die to myself and refrain from what I think God should give

The fact is I’m at war and the enemy couldn’t be any clearer

The devil is probably laughing cause my biggest fighter is staring in the mirror

Verbally I made a commitment, but it wasn’t enough to be content

So my “yes” had no weight because I had no “wait” in my letter of consent

Who am I to give an Almighty God certain conditions?

When He is sovereign and has proven time after time He doesn’t need permission

But like I said, there’s a battle going on because I wanna “do me”

And when God called my name, I was like, “who me?!”

I had to come to grips that the limp from my hip was to remind

He is God, I’m not; His will should be done not mine

And I understand this; don’t get me wrong

It’s in the wilderness I’m learning how to speak to these bones

It’s like; within me is a passion for this gift

But without God being glorified, I’m simply a boat going adrift

Every day I’m in the process, praying I’m making progress

But evidently, it’s not time to stay on the sidelines and rest

I’m still alive in areas that should be dead to me

It reminds me of that conversation the serpent had with Eve

God, I’m praying for renewal, restoration, and revival

If I’m to be a conqueror, then I retreat to You as my survival

You know what I want, what I long for; how I feel

Rescue me from the fighter within me and be my shield

The mind is a playground for thoughts and a prison if consumed

In order to bear fruit on a tree, its requires being pruned

Never said I liked the process, but I’ve been sealed by God’s crest

My prayer is simply this: “Purify my yes.”

See Sick

I'm see sick, please quit
Stop the ship, please quick
I wasn't ready for the water; wasn't ready for the waves
I'm trying to live; not make the ocean my grave
I'm moved by what I see instead of allowing faith to move me
If faith is the evidence, my doubt is a hindrance
If Hebrews 11 is my guidance, fear shouldn't be in the same sentence
Just because the sun ain't shining doesn't mean its not there
Just because we can't “feel” God doesn't mean he doesn't care
Just because it ain't happened yet, don't scream, “It's not fair,”
God is behind the scenes working but our disbelief makes us unaware
Count it all joy when you face trials; perseverance comes from testing our faith
God's delay is not a deny; good things come to those who wait
God will renew my strength if I don't faint
I'm only looking at the color instead of the whole picture God paints
We tell God about our problems when our problem should learn about our God
Angels readily waiting to be dispatched; no one can beat His squad
Can't you feel it in the spirit? It's time to shift the way we think
God is my missing link; Jesus signed the dotted line, his blood was the ink
Without faith, moving God is practically impossible
Don't doubt what He can do for with God all things are possible
So if my sight is blind, its about time I take God's hand at the altar
God could be testing me... I guess I'll go ahead and step out on the water...

What Do You See?

We don't know what we want so with you we flirt

We chose to go steady with sin so we treat you like dirt

As though you don't hurt, like you don't have a heart

Like you don't have feelings, like you don't love hard

Oh God, have we become so caught up that we have forgotten about you?

We only want you for what you give and not because you’re true!?

God forgive us for eating the wrong things

For ignoring you when you were pulling our heart's strings

Forgotten until you’re needed, Lord how dare we?

That's like a Freeman returning to the slave mentality

Your love for us is stronger, but when put you on the side

You call us to seek you but inside we wanna hide

Our hearts, this mind; our body, our time

God dwell in us so people will see the Son shine

Help us God! We need to come back to our first love

So when we wake in the morning you're the first we think of

My desire is you, yes you are my desire

Set me ablaze until I'm on fire

My God! Our hearts are far from you yet we say we love you

But when the tough times come we don't wanna go through

But what if it was so you could get the glory and honor?

Connect us like lightning and thunder

The relationship is all or nothing

You don't just want something

We give you half a box and call it a gift

Then come Sunday expecting you to give us a lift

God is that how it is? Ppl can't even tell

Our life isn't matching our confession yet we think all is well?!

How dare we say that we long for you, when we still want our stuff?

If our will is still alive, then we're saying your will isn't worth much

And we'll tell you yes, wrap up and say it's the best

But when you require more, we wanna give you less

And your simple request is that we live for u 100%

And when we do wrong we have the mind to repent

Search us o God, keep us on the potter's wheel

And help us to see that from sin we can be healed

And please reveal and rebuild; teach us how to be still

Give us discernment to know what's fake and what's real

But most of all, God we need to deny ourselves and take up our cross

To know that if we're to follow you, we must count the cost

Thank you for your redeeming blood, your love that covers like a flood

And the lamb that was slained for our sins in the form of your son

As This Heart Unfolds

How many beats does this heart have to make before it can be heard?

Surely, the silent whispers won’t last forever…

Inside are the screams of a broken piece searching for peace

But in a broken state, this broken place is not stable

Is God able? Of course He is, but am I able?

Am I able to sit back and allow God to complete His work?

Am I able to smile all the while knowing there’s a war in my mind?

I don’t want to cry anymore, but yet my tears are my interpreter

My motivation is no more, so I’m left to question my true motives

How many times do I have to say this…? “I don’t want to be here!”

This desert place is dry and lonely; it’s a painful experience

God, forgive me for my inconsistencies; I need you desperately

You said you’d rescue me! I’m holding you to that…

At this point, I’m like Paul, praying multiple times for this to be removed

But you gave me your word, “My grace is sufficient.”

Well, can it be sufficient somewhere else? I mean.... well, you see me

My mind needs to be renewed by the minute; this heart needs reviving

As you unfold me, I become broken just to be made whole

Am I done already? Please hear my call for help…

Speak.

My Brain Is Fighting My Fingers

I want to write, but I don't have the motivation

People keep messaging me asking, "Where is your next creation?"

The honest reality is my fingers are asking my brain for its cooperation

But my brain doesn't want to be apart of the demonstration....

And my fingers ask, "Well, why the lack of participation?"

My brain replies, "I'm simply not ready to do a collaboration."

But my brain doesn't understand my fingers dedication

And my fingers are longing to go back to writing new sensations

But I need a time out, and my brain wants to make a declaration

In poetry there is no time out, but I'll make a recommendation

All the while my brain is fighting my fingers to stop the humiliation

My fingers just wrote something new for you; Congratulations!

Introducing...

at what point did I lose my identity?
caught up on a road leading to nowhere yet never ending
searching for a girl inside of a woman all grown up
interior fades, exterior reveals skin so tough
so rough are the edges of this cover
girl looking for the world to love her
in her eyes there is a pain that has been building
the paint she used to hide behind is now peeling
but where did she go? Who has she become?
when things get hard she runs, forfeit the game, she’s done
a heart that longs to be loved is crushed
if life is a canvas, her tears are the paint, silence is her brush
Portrait after portrait tell of scars but she calls them "beauty marks"
because out of the ashes arose a beauty spark
so now I have to assure the little girl inside
though it feels like I've died, I'm actually alive
I feel like I've need to introduce myself to me
"Renee meet Crystal," "Crystal this is Renee but you can call her Re-Re"

The Proposal

so this guy proposed to me

crazy thing is he didn't get on one knee 

no he did it by hanging on a tree 

suffering for hours just so we could share eternity 

I wasn't thinking of him yet he thought of me 

took three nails, pierced side & crown of thorns for me 

and though he was royalty 

he came off his throne for a hill at Calvary 

this guy had so much love for me, he took my ashes and made beauty

though he knew my secrets he didn't shatter me

nor take my shame and scatter me 

no, he shed blood so I wouldn't become a casualty 

I was in an abusive relationship with sin but he rescued me 

he wanted me to be apart of the family 

he fulfilled every word of prophecy 

so in front of His father he said, "marry me."

Written January 13, 2012

The Wedding

Do you remember the day you and Jesus got married?

At that point you realized your sins He carried...

And He was so in love with you that for you He tarried

He wants to spend eternity with you so he couldn't stay buried

His commitment to this marriage makes others say wow

His life was the ultimate testament of his vow

Even when we cheated on him with our lover “Sin,”

His arms were always open to except us again and again...

A Perfect gentleman...

So do you take him for better or for worse?

Or when the times get tough you wanna different verse?

Do you take Him in sickness and in health?

Or is it only depending on how the cards are dealt?

Do you take Him in joy and in sorrow?

Or is it that “love him today but let's see what happens tomorrow”?

Even after death, He'll love you for eternity

Imagine that? Everyday celebrating your anniversary

So with urgency, He's in heaven preparing room...

So get ready, He's coming back for His bride real soon....

The Price of the Oil

(1/25/12)

People see the outside of the alabaster box, wanting what’s inside

If they only knew the requirements, the bloodshed, the tears cried

The price to carry such a heavy weight calls for much skill

The training starts from the moment we say yes to His will

Yes to be real, yes to reveal your scars that you live with

They show where you’ve been and what you have dealt with

To walk in the shoes of the anointed, you must be prepared for the walk

Because at the end of the day people will know if your lifestyle lined up with your talk

Many don’t see the conditions, they rather have the recognition

Their greatest downfall is they don’t honor God by submission

Praying for situations to move and what’s so strange

God allows things to stay as they are yet, in the midst of it you change

Because life will grab you and take you somewhere you may not want to go

But if the rain didn’t come at some point, how would we grow?

How would we show that in the midst of darkness we can still glow?

How would we know that we can endure in spite of the winds that blow?

The promise doesn’t stop just because we must experience the pit

Trials make us stronger; therefore, we become spiritually fit

God has called each of us for a purpose greater than me or you

So don’t be upset that your size 10 can’t handle a size 2

Remember the commitment made when we said, “Lord, please save me”

The cost of the anointing is a price we pay out daily

Graduation

I often hear people say, “if only these walls could talk”

But I say, “If only you could see where I’ve walked”

Hindsight is 20/20, always perfect vision

In the midst of, however, you wonder about your decision

Mind and heart in division, try to stay focused on the mission

Never thought I’d be in summer school, then again, life is always a class

Always a teacher, always giving a new task

It’s been a long journey, but it’s one I’ve come to appreciate

I bless God that I can proclaim that I can graduate!

Because though I am not where I want to be, I’m no longer where I was…

And if I haven’t learned anything else, I learned about God’s unconditional love

I learned about endurance in this place of making

I understand that in order to be made whole there has to be a breaking

And oh was there a shaking, but God is a keeper

Especially when climbing that mountain it seemed to get steeper

Through the shame and the pain, God I said I’d never complain

And you have given me a rest that falls down like rain

Great is your faithfulness, there is none like You

Who is like our God? To know what I have need of even before I ask You

And so, in this season, you gave me strength to say, “I’m no longer bound by this situation”

The demonstration of the proclamation? The flipside is the graduation!

1 John 1:9

Copyright 2011 A Peace of crySTYLE

"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." 1 John 1:9 NLT

Lord, I admit, I see the form of godliness

And it’s so obvious to see the change but not be in it

But you said, if any man be in You he is a new creature

However, God I'm flunking this subject; can I have a new teacher?

A makeover of this ugly feature, this thorn in my side

I feel like it could cause me to miss our wedding when you come for your bride

Why won't this flesh surrender and die? Daily it’s my prayer

Seems like when those words leave my lips, they vanish into thin air

Or is this all a part of a greater testimony?

It's not more than I can bear, but still it’s all up on me...

I give a deliverance praise on Sunday yet fighting demons through the week

And I'm trying to hear you; did I miss you? Let me go back and press repeat

Lord, I'm not complete; my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak

I want to walk in your direction, so forgive my disobedient feet

I feel like my flesh, Cain, is killing my spirit, Abel

Is this 911? Yes, put me on the operating table

With extreme urgency; I need emergency surgery

The thorn on that right side; yeah doc, constantly hurting me

You knew I would go through this before I was in my mother's thought

The blood of your Son is my bail, because He knew I'd get caught

Did you say this battle has been fought? And ends in victory?...

Romans 8 must be my weapon you selected for me

So, if you knew the plans you had for me before I was in my mother's womb

This flesh needs to die but won't stay in its tomb!

The lump under the rug gets larger, because I keep sweeping with this broom

But you have the power to cleanse and take away residue; where's your vacuum?

Pinch me, do something so I can wake up from this nightmare

Or is this a dream and reality is just unaware?

I feel like David, learning how to trust you when I go through these spurts

Then sometimes I feel like Job, cursing the day of my birth

My heart is yours, now if we can just work on this mind

I'm coming out of this; I can just see the finish line

Guard my heart and mind like a person with an entourage

And cover me like an expensive car that never comes out the garage

If my eyes are conflicting my witness, give me a blindfold

If my legs are running to the wrong business, then close the store

Keep me Lord, keep me; help me Lord, Jesus

Being broken whole means admitting that I'm actually in pieces...

Meet My God

Doubt. Meet my God. You should start to fear Him

Because there's something about the amount of power I have when near Him

You must not recognize Him because you keep coming to me

My faith can easily erase you so that I can be free

But see, I let you stay too long; you made my life your home

And you tried to kick my faith out...

So now that you have met my God, good-bye doubt

Worry. Meet my God. You and doubt tried to double team

At times you succeeded to remove my dream

When faith tried to come, you brought up all these questions

In the times I wanted gain strength; you changed my direction

But faith is, faith was and faith is going to be

Whatever you had planned isn't going to destroy me

So now that you have met my God, good-bye worry…

Past. Meet my God. You keep coming around wanting to resurface

Because you know that if you come forward, I back down from my purpose

God has forgiven me but you kept me from forgiving myself

I've gotten rid of doubt and worry, so you're the next step

I put my faith in God for He is my help

Everything that has happened to hurt me, wasn't meant to last

So now that you have met my God, I say good-bye to my past!